Wednesday, October 24, 2007

I will beat a bitch's ass (just to sit on the couch!)

At last, the couch! Okay, so today is the first day since being laid off that I've ignored all freelance work and sat my ass on the couch for hours of DVR'd garbage.

First up? Kimora Lee Simmons' reality show, "Life in the Fab Lane." Ever since I read a Vanity Fair interview with the wife of Def Jam founder Russell Simmons, I've been a HUGE fan of Kimora if only for the fact that she is one crazy bitch.

My favorite part of the Vanity Fair article was how the interviewer, clearly not prepared for the depths of ghetto fabulosity that she was assigned to plumb, comes to understand Kimora's frustrations -- most of which stem from her husband's infidelity.

Some of my fave excerpts from the April 2005 article (
Unbearable Fabulosity
...Last fall, she could be seen on a 50-foot-tall billboard in Times Square, lying naked except for a pair of Baby Phat "diva sneakers" and a diamond belly chain. I asked her what the picture meant to her. "Fabulosity," she said. "It's a state of being."

A state which does not preclude ass-whuppings. "I will beat a bitch's ass!" Kimora says of any woman who dares flirt with her husband, the famous Russell, a hip-hop icon for 25 years. Russell and Kimora are hip-hop's Ozzie and Harriet, or perhaps Ozzy and Sharon, a pop-cultural institution. And yet that doesn't keep "the bitches," as Kimora calls them, from trying to make moves.


"The bitches" have been a constant theme in Russell and Kimora's 12-year relationship. They're how Russell and Kimora got engaged, which Kimora tells me about on St. Barth's, on the beach, where she's lying naked except for a pair of Armani sunglasses and a Gucci bikini bottom. "Let me take off my glasses," she says, removing her large frames. "I want you to see my eyes. I will beat a bitch's ass!"


"He's still a little A.D.D.," Kimora says. "He has not technically been declared it, but I know that he is, because he wakes up at the crack of dawn, he wants to go and rip and run. He's A.D.H.D. Attention-deficit … husband disorder.

"Oh, I like it better this way, all right," she says. "Because if he wasn't calm it would be a problem, because I'd have to beat bitches' asses! And I don't want to have to beat nobody's ass.


"But I'm a tough girl and could handle it most of the time, and I will beat a bitch's ass! And I think he knows that, and he really doesn't want that to happen. So that's why right now I really trust his effort to keep out of trouble."

"Like you would literally beat someone's ass?" I ask.

"Literally. Literally," says Kimora, baring her perfect teeth. "I will drag a bitch—drag her through this dirt, literally.

"I will beat a bitch's ass!" she says. "I don't play that disrespectful ho shit. I have very little respect for those kinds of women. And if I catch you with my man, disrespecting, I will beat your ass."

Damn straight, Kimora. And I will beat any bitch's ass that dares sit on my couch and keeps me from watching you do it!

Sunday, October 21, 2007

The most employed unemployed person

Okay, so I got laid off @ the end of Sept. and was sooooo looking forward to sitting on the couch, eating crap food and watching hours of mindless garbage on TV (i.e. soaps) but nooooooooooooo...I'm the most employed unemployed person EVER.

I've got freelance gigs lined up back-to-back-and-overlapping to the point that I almost miss going into a 9-5 (okay, in my case a 10:30-ish to 6) job!!! WTF??? My new roommie must think all I do is wear PJ's, work and bitch about it.

And the worst part? NBC cancelled my soap! "Passions" went off the air this summer and is only available on some weird ass Direct TV channel (I managed to catch an episode on a JetBlue flight back to NYC last week -- happy to see that I haven't missed much since Theresita has yet to tell Ethan about little Ethan...geez, talk about prolonging a plot).

Even if I had the time to watch daytime TV, my choices are dismal: Judge Judy (no thanks -- she and my fossil wart ex-boss are CLONES), Ellen (crying about an adopted dog?) and Martha Stewart (not unless it's outtakes of her flipping out on assistants).

Am I so abnormal that I can't even do unemployment like normal people???

(of course, the flip side is: what if I didn't have freelance gigs? Then I'd be stressed about $$ and finding a job...either way, I'm kvetching)