The Grapes of Crap

I'm not sure what the point of this blog will be but I've got an urge to write it. So, let's review:

I've been trying to get a Patriots NFL helmet cell phone charm from a vending machine at Pathmark for the last few weeks. A real crapshoot: I've sunk about $19 into the piece of crap machine and now own 35 helmet charms, none of which are the Patriots. I've been waiting to return to Pathmark while I recharged my mojo.

Well, after the gym tonight, it was on like Donkey Kong. Feeling revitalized and ready to take on the vending machine, I drove over to Pathmark thinking, "Yes, this is definitely the night I get that helmet charm."

After parking on the street outside, I gathered about $2.50 in quarters from my purse and headed in. And that's when the night took a hard left turn.

The vending machine's contents had been replaced and instead of cell phone charms, it was now hawking ping pong balls with NCAA teams' logos. WTF?! My eyes grew bigger than the balls inside the machine as I searched nearby stands to see if the charms were somewhere else. No, gone.


The Grapes of Crap book cover (what, you didn't have to read it in 8th grade?).

So much for ever getting a crappy Patriots cell phone charm. Deflated, I decided to take a photo of the new machine just for posterity's sake. And that's when my cell phone froze and crashed.

Crap! I rebooted and tried to take a photo again. Crash. Reboot. Crash. The Pathmark employees were growing suspicious of me hanging around, cursing my phone so I wandered the aisles, rebooting while grabbing a very random assortment of stuff (2 lunch bags, 1 liquid dish soap, 1 pumpkin spice coffee creamer, 2 birthday cards). I figured the phone would be working again by the time I got to the front.

Nope. No phone. No photo of new tchotchke. No cell phone charms. All crap.

Frustrated, I left with my craptastic bag of randomness only to turn the corner in time to see some asshole backing into my car. Outrageous! The street was empty except for my car and still, this craptard couldn't even parallel park without hitting mine. While my car rocked back and forth from the hit, I rushed over to accost the jerkoff.

As I neared the driver's side of his car, it occurred to me that he might get out and be a 6'5, 300-pound pile of crap. No matter, I had a lot of anger to take out on him. (Is it any wonder that I haven't been killed yet?)

"Hey, asshole! Are you completely incapable of parking a car?! You just totally hit my car even though you've got miles of empty street in front of you!! Are you retarded?!"

Luckily, the crapmonger who got out was neither 6'5 nor retarded. Instead, I was face to face with a young Hasidic Jew (who looked completely baffled as to why a woman other than his wife was speaking to him). I continued to rant and threatened to hit his car on the way out "since there's 2 blocks of space behind my car and I just don't know how I'll manage to get out without hitting something!"

It was not my finest moment. In fact, it was downright crapathetic. And, before I maneuvered to drive away, I'll admit: I hit his car.

Driving home, I thought of all the crap in my life (aside from the stupid cell phone charms): I'm unemployed and I'm running through my savings faster than Obama signs executive orders. Before leaving my car to go into the gym earlier, I'd been filled with such sadness and despair that I'd even wondered, "If I had a gun right now, would I shoot myself with it?"

Now, don't get me wrong: I'm not usually prone to suicidal thoughts (even passive ones). I'm guessing that a headline I'd seen earlier in the day, "LA man distressed over job shoots wife, 5 children and self" had gotten stuck in my subconscious. I know, I know, I try to keep this blog lighthearted and funny, but I'm just not there right now. The good news is that the answer to my question was "hell no."

Anyway, so I'm driving home thinking over the crap sandwich that's now my life while trying to find the "silver lining." Yes, I thought, there are many things I don't have (self control being one) but there's plenty more that I do have such as perfect health, an incredible family, a loving boyfriend, amazing friends, an education, a warm place to come home to (for now). The list could go on and on until I'm giving thanks for running water and electricity.

"Yeah," I thought, "things are hard but they can't always suck." Just as I thought this, I pulled into the driveway of my building and pressed the garage door opener. Nothing. Pressed it again. Nothing. Again, again, again. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Crap. Ah, the proverbial "last straw."

But then, the laughter took over. A deep, body-shaking laugh that freaked my neighbors out and saved me from tears.

And so, there's one more silver lining to be thankful for: I can still laugh (when I stop laughing, call the crapamedics).


A silver lining if I ever saw one!