As seen on TV

I'm a people-watcher. It's probably the biggest reason I moved to New York City nine years ago. Whether it's observing feces-smeared crazy people from a safe distance on the train or taking in an angry woman's threats to sue Macy's for not letting her return a sweater, NYC is a hotbed of people-watching activity.

This fascination explains a lot about my TV-watching habits. For example, I've been super Real World fan #1 since its debut in 1992 and am thrilled that the new season 21 was shot in Brooklyn. Not only do I get to observe the show's first transgender roommate, I get to see it all happen in familiar settings ("hey, I've had lunch in that place where Katelynn is coming out to JD!").

I like to think of my people-on-TV-watching as a self-guided anthropology course. It's only a matter of time before there are graduate courses on The Real World (if there aren't already), which I'd be very qualified to teach. I'm guessing I'm the only person who bought MTV's The Real World Hawaii: True Confessions, a 1999 tell-all book that currently has a place in my home library alongside other anthropological classics such as The Harmless People and Aztecs of Central Mexico. Seriously, I could talk for days about the impact of The Real World on our culture (so I'll stop now -- you're welcome).


A quick glance at some of the more academic titles in my home library, including a BEHIND-the-behind-the-scenes look at Ruthie and her drinking problem (center).

After a childhood of Sesame Street and The Electric Company, I've been trained for this line of study. Beyond voyeuristic pleasure, people-watching-on-TV can be very educational. For instance, I learned many things today that I would've never known if it weren't for CMT's season 3 premier of My Big Redneck Wedding, such as:

1. You can get custom wedding rings in camouflage.
2. Limos also come in camouflage.
3. You can get married in a duck blind.
4. When writing your own vows, anything goes ("I will drink beer with him always").
5. Same lawlessness for wedding cakes, which can be layers of cupcakes, Zingers, Ho-Hos, Twinkies and Jello shots.
6. Wedding toasts are also a free-for-all ("buuuuuurrrrrrp!").

This show has fast become one of my favorite anthropological studies (is it any wonder that MTV owns CMT?). How else would I know that deodorant can also be used on one's face to prevent unwanted perspiration?

From CMT's "Biggest Redneck Wedding Ever" in which Tom Arnold made Elaine and Bruce's dreams come true in the muddiest beer fest yet. Here, Elaine demonstrates how she plans to keep dry in all that mud and beer.

Will power(less)

Here's the thing about freelance work: You can never leave work to go home (you're already there); work becomes a state of mind that either engulfs or eludes you completely. I'm either working nonstop or unable to start.

There's a moment before I commit to either extreme where my mind says, "okay, this is it...the choice is yours to make and the consequences are blah blah blah blah blah" but it's too late...I've been sucked into an episode of "I Love New York," followed by "The Daily Show," "The Hills," "Gossip Girl," "The Real World," "Sarah Silverman," "My Super Sweet 16," and "Best Week Ever."

When I've exhausted my DVR'd collection of brain-melting drivel, I raid my roommate's despite a growing migraine from the TV's glow and a nagging little "but you've got work to do..." I watch shows I've never cared to see before: "My Name is Earl," "Scrubs," "The Office" and "30 Rock" (I think her old TV only got NBC).

Nine hours later, I'm drowning in a puddle of drool and empty 100-calorie bags of Sun Chips (portion control is also a work-in-progress for me). Avoiding eye contact with the pile of work on my desk, I shuffle to bed determined to wake up "early" (i.e. before 2 pm) and start fresh the next day.

Until I get a job that involves leaving the house, I've got to figure out how to tap my will power and evolve into a worker bee whose hive happens to be her bedroom...


(dig the poster I made at www.despair.com in their DIY section [yes, I used a double negative on purpose -- when you know da rules, you can break 'em]...maybe it should be my Christmas card?)