I need a (crash) helmet

My fanaticism recently jumped the shark, so to speak. It all started innocently enough with a few quarters. I made the leap from "fan" to "insane person" this weekend when I returned with a roll of quarters.

Perhaps if I was talking about slot machines and bus rides to Atlantic City, I could pass for "normal." No, I'm talking about a vending machine at my local Pathmark. You've seen the type before, just beyond the registers where kids whine for quarters as they pass temporary tattoos and giant gumballs.

The difference here is that I'm 35 and have access to a bank account full of quarters. I'm also a devoted New England Patriots fan whose cell phone always has some sort of charm hanging off of it. Can you see where the shitstorm is brewing now, just off the end of this paragraph?

Yes, Pathmark has a vending machine chock full of NFL helmet cell phone charms; several Patriots helmets are in clear view but nowhere near the bottom. I am determined to get my hands on one (just one, dammit!) -- it's only 50 cents, after all!

Three attempts and $19* later, I am now the not-so-proud owner of 35 NFL helmet cell phone charms, NONE of which has the Patriots' "Flying Elvis" logo on it.


"Collect all 32 teams!" screams the vending machine at Pathmark (left). At this point, I pretty much have. The "like I give a shit" helmets I've amassed so far (right).

The first night I encountered the helmets, I can't remember why I was even in Pathmark. It's completely out of my way and doesn't carry anything I like. Its only quality is that it's open 24 hours and is known to host some pretty entertaining characters after 1 AM (including me, apparently). If only I could access their security cameras and zoom in on the ridiculous look that must've been on my face when I first noticed the helmets.

Attempt 1
I had about $4 in quarters on me (between the change in my purse and what I had got back from my purchase). A small, childish voice in me kept thinking, "oooh, this is gonna be it, this time! Aw, man. No, THIS time is it, here it comes! Aw, man!" For all I know, I had my tongue sticking out in deep concentration as I rapidly slipped quarter after quarter into the machine. I left frustrated but naively convinced I would succeed if I went back the next night.

Attempt 2
Late at night again, same cashier on duty (now mildly interested in what I was up to). Had dipped into my parking meter supply from the car before entering. Total expenditure: $5, some pride and a good deal of optimism. Returned home that night to scour the Internet in search of a helmet I could buy outright, saving myself another trip to Pathmark. I was also concerned about the fast-growing pile of crappy helmets I'd accumulated...

Inventory from first two attempts yielded:
2 Oakland Raiders (both broken - they can't even get it right as toy plastic helmets)
1 Cincinnati Bengals
2 Arizona Cardinals (has ANYONE even seen a real live Cards fan before this season?!)
1 St Louis Rams
1 Washington Redskins
3 San Francisco 49ers (were these helmets made in the 80's?)
1 Chicago Bears
1 Atlanta Falcons
1 Miami Dolphins
1 San Diego Chargers

Attempt 3
Seems this Pathmark in Brooklyn is the only place one can buy NFL helmet cell phone charms (that aren't covered in corny rhinestones, anyway). More determined than ever to get mine, I returned several days later. Made it a point to hit Pathmark during daywalker hours so I could stop at the bank to get a roll of quarters first.

While crossing the street, it occurred to me: "This is why I'm an alcoholic. It's not because I forget where my car is when I'm drunk but because I don't know how to stop drinking once I start." Within seconds, the Addict in my brain menaced the Voice of Reason with a roll of quarters.


The look in my eye says, "They can't deny me both 19-0 AND a cell phone charm!" Next door: The machine that ultimately said, "Yes, we can deny you all that AND $10."

Leaving Pathmark without the helmet charm was the closest I've been to what the team must've felt leaving Arizona last year 18-1: So close, yet so far. Standing on the other side of the window in the freezing cold, I stared in at the machine, bitterly noticing several Patriots helmet charms trapped in the crap heap. I mouthed, "You will be mine" and dashed to the car.

Inventory from $10 roll of quarters:
3 Tennessee Titans (1 broken, perhaps in honor of Steve McNair?)
2 Houston Texans (Tom Brady's toenail clippings are more valuable)
1 Tampa Bay Buccaneers
1 Oakland Raiders (really?)
1 Green Bay Packers
1 Cincinnati Bengals
1 Buffalo Bills
1 Denver Broncos (great, now I have 2 and they have my offensive coordinator)
1 Detroit Lions (actually could be a collector's item after 0-16 season)
1 Cleveland Browns
3 Indianapolis Colts (damn you, Peyton! As if the VISA/Sony/Snuggie commercials every 5 seconds weren't enough!)
3 San Francisco 49ers (bringing overall 49ers total to 4!!)
2 NY Giants (the sting doesn't hurt as much now that Eli's post-season is with Oreo's Double Stuf Racing League)

In a cruel twist of fan fate, the last helmet to spit out of the machine was a Miami Dolphins one. As a Patriots fan whose 11-5 team didn't make the playoffs thanks to Ronnie Brown vs Patriots in Week 3 and Brett Favre's farewell terd against Miami in Week 16, this last helmet felt like the football gods flipping me off. Never one to care that small children are within earshot or eyesight, I gave them the finger back.


Not my best moment: giving a vending machine the finger in a crowded supermarket (left). Later that night, I modeled the Dolphins helmet that was the proverbial cherry on my $10 poop sundae.

Actually, there were several children around, including a boy who was keenly interested in what I was doing. I thought to ask him who his favorite team is and then offer him the crappy helmet if I had it. Then, in a somewhat adult moment, I realized that I can try to sell these unwanted helmet charms on eBay (why not? If someone was selling a Patriots one, I'd buy it -- for $19!). Seriously, if I can sell them at $5 a pop, it'd raise enough to cover my cell phone bill!

In the meantime, I'm keeping clear of Pathmark while I recharge my vending mojo, hoping that Attempt 4 will be the "charm" -- literally. My Man has expressed genuine concern about my sanity (I am, after all, technically unemployed and pouring money I don't have into a toy vending machine). He's afraid that I'm walking a thin line between safe driver and car wreck. He's even threatened me with, "I'm going to call your mother" (the ultimate threat between boyfriend/girlfriends, apparently).

Fine, put me in a crash helmet. As long as I get to take it off to make calls with a cell phone that proudly boasts a Patriots helmet dangling off the end of it.

* For anal accountant-types wondering how I have 35 helmets at 50 cents each but only spent $19, the answer is simple: some of the little plastic containers are blessed with 2-3 charms. Yep, I've gotten several that contained a crapfeast of helmets. In fact, there is a container in the middle of the machine that contains 3, yes THREE, Patriots helmets. The loser who gets this precious egg of joy will no doubt be a Dolphins fan.

Must-pee TV

After a bittersweet day at Gillette Stadium for the Patriots' home-opener (where I watched Tom Brady's knee get twisted like a pretzel from WBZ-Boston's mind-meltingly-awesome luxury suite), Jeremy and I were kicking back on the couch in Boston, flipping through the channels in yet another mind-meltingly-awesome suite at the Taj.

We stopped on Fox's new show, "Hole in the Wall," the American version of a very funny Japanese game show where people of all sizes have seconds to contort into shapes so they can fit through a hole in a wall or be pushed by it into a vat of acid-colored water. As we laughed at team Beer Bellies vs team Six Pack, I was reminded of the funniest game show ever: Spike TV's "MXC: Most Extreme Elimination Challenge."

If you've never seen it, think "Mystery Science Theater 3000" meets Japanese game show -- very funny Americans dubbing over a Japanese game show of outrageous and humiliating challenges. I'm not sure if it's still on the air, but there's plenty of footage on YouTube:

An assortment of highlights from the show. Best line: "here's Karen Griffin. She paints life-sized boogie men in children's closets."

With all the crap on TV, I can't understand how this one isn't on the radar. If I was a TV exec, THIS would be must-see TV (which is probably why I'm not a TV exec).

Better yet, I'd market it as "must-pee TV." Ya know, people always say, "I laughed so hard I nearly peed my pants" but does anyone really pee in their pants from laughing? On the serious tip: watching MXC is the closest I've come to doing so.

If you're ever in desperate need of a laugh, I recommend watching clips of old MXC episodes on YouTube. Facing the very real threat of a Bradyless season, it was exactly what this grief-stricken Pats fan needed.

I'll be okay. Just on my way to the bathtub now with a dull blade.

Tom Brady. ’Nuf said.

So, I thought that Sunday, Dec. 16 was the best day of my life (on the set of the NFL Today show all day, meeting Dan, Boomer & Coach, getting Dunkin' Donuts coffee delivered) but today far surpassed it. I'd like to write a novel about today but need to go to bed for an early day at Gillette tomorrow so...

As part of my freelance work for Watch! CBS Sports magazine, I was invited to attend the Patriot's press conference for Sunday's AFC Championship game. Of course, I accepted (duh).


(me @ the Patriots' AFC Championship pre-game press conference @ Gillette Stadium! this photo appeared on the front page of the Providence Journal's business section on Sat. 1/19 for a story about national media staying in the city's hotels for the game...um, okay, Providence -- work that angle!)

My game plan was to keep a low profile and not say anything...which lasted longer than most would expect. Out came Bill Belichick (am I the only person who finds this guy HILARIOUS?), then Mike Vrabel (MUCH bigger in person), then Tedy Bruschi (is he the nicest guy on the planet or what? I want a Tedy Bruschi bear just like him), then Kevin Faulk (a lot shorter than I expected).

Then, the grand finale: Tom Brady. At this point, I'd asked nothing (but taken lots of photos with my new BlackBerry Pearl -- everyone else was doing it!) but then a reporter asked Brady a question about keeping his adrenaline in check. He said, yeah, it's hard, gotta keep focused on the game at hand, etc. but he also said that it was a particularly hard thing for him to do. I was like, WTF? This guy is known for being cool in the pocket, nerves of steel and all that. Then, I remembered: isn't this the same guy who TOOK A NAP BEFORE HIS FIRST SUPER BOWL??

I couldn't resist the urge any more. I had to speak. I tapped the NFL Network guy on the shoulder and asked for the mic next. He agreed. As Brady was wrapping up an answer to another question, I took a deep breath, my own adrenaline going like mad, and said (transcription from www.patriots.com):

Q:Wondering way back to your first Super Bowl against the Rams, it was reported that you had taken a nap in the locker room prior and now you're talking about the adrenaline and keeping it in check; what's changed over the years?

TB: I think I was naive back in the day. My first couple years, I thought it was easy. I got to the Super Bowl, hey, this is no problem, you start a few games, you're in the Super Bowl and U2 is out there playing in the field. It was a great environment. I think we all look back on that Super Bowl, any time it's your first time in those experiences and everything felt like it was so out of control, you can look back and realize how much fun it was. Now you kind of know what to avoid so you lose a little bit of that naivete as Mr. Kraft would say and you just focus on whatever you need to focus on. The adrenaline, it comes and it goes. I think for me the more prepared, the more comfortable I feel with what we're doing, I think the more relaxed I'll be. I think adrenaline is a little bit different because you get very excited when you run out in front of 75,000 people, and especially in a game like this, and those emotions just play out.

Check the video at http://www.patriots.com/mediacenter/index.cfm?ac=videonewsdetail&pid=30402&pcid=82 (my question starts at 9 min. 7 sec. and his answer ends at 10 min. 28 sec.) -- Brady is all smiles the entire time (giggity giggity), esp. at the end when I jokingly reminded him about the TV audience that's also watching (but then realized I don't want to nerve him out and screw up my own team so I tell him to forget about the TV audience). Oh. My. God.

But then, the day is capped by national media picking up on my I-can-die-now moment (it was a press conference, after all)...

The Associated Press writer covering today's press conference used Brady's reply to my question in the article he filed. The article, "Chargers QB Rivers 'optimistic' he can play in AFC championship game," has since been picked up by news outlets that subscribe to the AP wire service (i.e. A LOT, including the Sporting News, ESPN, Yahoo, AOL, USA Today, etc.)

From the AP article:

Tom Brady, whose best games often come in the biggest settings, was typically more composed, joking about a future in Hollywood.

For all his experience in pressurized settings, the Patriots quarterback suggested he had more trouble nowadays when it came to keeping his adrenaline in check. Brady was reminded that six years ago, right before playing in his first Super Bowl, he took a nap on the locker-room floor. Brady wound up as the game's MVP in a win over the St. Louis Rams.

"I think I was naive back in the day," Brady said. "I thought it was easy."
http://www.usatoday.com/sports/football/nfl/chargers/2008-01-18-injuries_N.htm

Okay, I'm going to try to sleep now (operative word: try).

p.s. my Uncle Mark and cousin Manda say I was on the NFL Network's coverage today. Luckily, they're HUGE Pats fans and DVR'd it. Can't wait to see how it looks!!!! Again: Oh. My. God.