Lame duck protocol

So, I just got laid off yesterday from my job -- Bush cut $300 million from the AmeriCorps budget that funded the project I work on...seems he needed money to keep killing Iraqis or something.

Whatev. I hated it here with my miserable fossil of a boss so who gives a shit. I don't think finding a new job will be a problem and I've got lots of freelance work lined up to tie me over 'til then. I guess the only problem I'm facing is that my last day is Sept. 30 -- what do I do between now and then?

Is it wrong to call in sick every day? Would I be out of line to have dwarf strippers at my going-away office party? Can I sustain this thin veil of office decorum for 30 freaking days?

There's plenty of time to look at garbage online (latest favorite site is http://icanhascheezburger.com/) and apply for jobs but I can do that from home. Why the hell do I have to be here? Why not just give me Sept. salary as severance and tell me to fuck off? I mean, isn't it bad enough to get laid off? On top of that, I have to schlep to the office every day and pretend to work and care...wait, that's nothing new. I can SO do this.

Green is the new black

At the end of July, my Mom took me on a 4-day trip on a 3-masted schooner off the coast of Maine (a thoughtful b-day present). It has since been dubbed the "shush cruise" thanks to a vigilant posse of shushers who were intent on reading the latest Harry Potter in complete silence. It was the first time I've played Uno since elementary school -- it also marked the first time bowling took place on the deck of the historic Victory Chimes thanks to a game I improvised using water bottles for pins and the ball (at its height, the game involved 18 of the 30 passengers and 4 of the 8 crew...I could've been Julie on "The Love Boat!").

During the trip's last 2 days, a thick fog rolled in and obscured the horizon for good. In 5-foot swells, we labored back to Rockland through pea soup. Despite ingesting lots of Bronine and ginger snaps, I had motion sickness for over a week.

So, it was with some hesitation that I joined the rest of the CBS Watch! magazine staff yesterday for a day trip on a double-masted schooner (the Shearwater). We left North Cove in Battery Park, went around the tip of Manhattan and drifted up the East River 'til just after Roosevelt Island. Then we doubled back (at which time the drinks doubled with a game of quarters...Jeremy passed out soon thereafter). Being the only sober person aboard, I had plenty of time to search for the horizon (not easy to do in NYC). By the time we reached the Brooklyn Bridge, motion sickness was starting to set in...again.

Thankfully, we sailed out into NY Harbor where the horizon line made its debut. After meditating on the Statue of Liberty for a while, I was happy to get back to land and Gristede's for some ginger snaps. Allegedly, they have healing power beyond a Dramamine-Bronine cocktail. I inhaled an entire bag last night. Ugh, I'm so sick of being sea sick. Maybe I'll head to a Chinese market and get some ginger root to gnaw on...

Saturn breaks the hell out

Okay, so let me preface this post with the fact that I'm an educated, well-read woman -- a skeptic who usually needs to be convinced by 3 different people of the most basic truths.

That said, I am also totally entertained by the most base things. "The Girls Next Door" reality show on E! about Hugh Hefner's girlfriends is one good example...astrology is another. Since I was a teenager, I've been a bit of an astrological enthusiast and at one point became pretty good at correctly guessing people's signs (ya gotta love the odds: 11 to 1). Now, I'm a closeted 'scoper and only have brief flirtations with the subject; today was one such day.

I've been draggin' ass for the last week or so, dreading each day at work before the alarm even goes off in the morning. I'm heavy with angst and the desire to finally find "the job" that makes me happy, pays well and isn't 3 hours from my apartment. The problem has been (and continues to be): what makes me happy? What am I supposed to be doing? What did I move to NYC for, anyway?

I don't know. Astrology doesn't know, either, but it at least tries to pretend like it does. So, today I went on Susan Miller's www.astrologyzone.com, the only site I've ever given a second look to ('cause it's detailed, free, thorough, free, well-written, and, um, free). Susan had some interesting points about why this August is ass draggin' time for us Leos:
"This month you come to the end of a 1,000-mile journey. Ever since Saturn entered Leo in July 2005, you have had a long and gradual process of reinventing yourself..."

That's it! Saturn, that bastard of a task-master, disciplinary and gaseous planet that comes around every 30 years or so to kick our asses if we're not doing what he gave us the gift to do (according to astrology, of course, ehem: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saturn_return). But haven't I paid my dues? I'm 34 -- is Saturn a squatter, too?!

See, my Saturn-given task is to communicate and I started out well with that (was editor of high school & university papers, majored in English, made lots of phone calls and stuff, etc) but then got off course in my mid-late 20's. Saturn's fat ass started comin' when I was 28 and that's when I felt the burning desire to finish my thesis and get my M.A. in English already. I even dedicated my thesis "To Saturn's Return." Bastard!

Now, that sick fuck is finally leaving and I won't see him again for 28 years! Plenty of time to slack off and fail to communicate! Woo-hoo! More dead-end writing/editing jobs, please! No thanks, NY Times Best Seller list!

BTW, a really great book on this subject (especially for women in their mid-20's and mid-50's) that I thoroughly enjoyed was "Surviving Saturn's Return" ...of course, I only read the parts about Leo (duh!). http://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Saturns-Return-Overcoming-Tumultuous/dp/0071421963

Of further interest (to me only, I suspect), Susan writes:
"You may have a major career decision to make on or near August 13, due to a pairing of Venus and Saturn. This mood of seriousness will intensify further during the following week, and especially on August 21, when the Sun and Saturn will conjoin. If your birthday falls on this day, you will be doubly sensitive to the vibes operating on this day. You will be deeply meditative, maybe even somber, but also able to take on more responsibility. No doubt about it, you will have plenty on your mind. Don't let doubts or fleeting feelings of depression enter your mind - this is all very temporary! ... Remember, when Saturn leaves Leo next month, you will have officially ended a once-in-29-year tour of duty that this taskmaster planet has put you though. You are done! No matter what, life will improve from now on!"

[cue theme from "The Jeffersons"...movin' on up...]

Cringe Night

So, I'm "working" from home today and came across an article on my desk that my Mom sent me a few months back: "On Cringe Night, the last laugh is on you." Seems there's a night at Freddy's Bar & Backroom in Brooklyn called "Cringe Night" where people read excerpts from their teenage diaries onstage. Why the Providence Journal is reporting on bars in Prospect Heights is beyond me but...

Oddly, this weekend had me swimming in nostalgia -- thanks to this new myspace page, I reconnected with a long lost "BFF" from high school...which of course sent me diving into the closet to retrieve old diaries from 8th grade. If I were to attend "Cringe Night," here's just one of MANY passages that had me cringing (written in painfully-executed bubble letters with circles for periods and over each "i"):

---from July 21, 1987 -- aka the year I was grounded for THE ENTIRE SUMMER---
...she thinks she's so important & good now that she's scammed with everyone - but u don't have 2 be pretty or nice 2 get scoop. just a ho - that's all u need 2 be. what a bitch! i wonder if she's ever gonna tell me? she knows i'll bitch at her about it. anyway. i babysat 2day from 6:30 2 9:30. i got $5.00. killer easy 5 bucks. the kids were good - patrick is so adorable & vanessa is sweet. Natalia wuz bein a real bitch 2 Pat & i wuz gettin pissed off. shit - did i ever bitch at her like that! smart ass runny nose bossy little bitch! get in my way - huh! fuck her! if i put my hand against my ear - i can hear the tickin of my watch. my dad wants to get me a $300 stereo system. but 4 me 2 keep the old speakers. i got mad at him and now feel real bad. i feel like i'm bitchin at him cuz he wants 2 get me somethin nice 4 my b-day. boy - am i a bitch! maybe keith wuz right. i hafta apologize 2 my dad & tell him whatever he wants 2 get me - i'll luv it.

Sooooo, I don't know what's more frightening: the fact that people let me babysit their children or that someone actually paid a person $5 to watch 3 kids for 2 hours. Happy to see ADD isn't the recent development I thought it was...

WTF?

So, today is freakin' COLD in NYC...it's 62 degrees out. WTF? I nearly melted 2 days ago while waiting on a subway platform for the F train (the ONLY train running out of Bklyn thanks to a storm that dumped a whopping THREE inches of rain in NYC...note the sarcasm, please). Other than that, I slept the whole day thanks to a deal my job has with ConEd -- we have to take 3 Fridays off in Aug. to save energy...no problem. I consider sleeping all day just doing my part to conserve energy, man. Now, I'm off to the gym before the guilt starts to set in...guess I should bring a jacket. Again, WTF????