Best. Sunday. Ever.

Okay, so I'm still jacked up and it's been nearly 4 hours since I got home. Maybe it's the caffeine from an intern-retrieved Dunkin Donuts coffee (more on that later) but I'm on a SICK natural high right now. The reason? I spent the entire day in the CBS Broadcast Center on the set of "The NFL Today"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, I got to meet James Brown, Dan Marino, Bill Cowher, Shannon Sharpe and Boomer Esiason. Yes, I got to shake their hands. Yes, I sat 15 feet away from them during the entire pre-game show. Yes, I sat next to JB in Dan Marino's chair during the entire 1st half as he did game updates. Yes, I joked with Dan as he returned to find me in his chair before the halftime report. Yes, I talked smack with Boomer (my favorite analyst and not because he guaranteed the Pats go 19-0...woot!!!). In short, it was heaven on earth for me today.

[photos with JB, Dan, "Coach," Shannon and Boomer and ME!]





One of the day's many highlights (or "web gems," if you will) include JB complimenting me on being "ready to call play-by-play" (and better looking than Phil Simms, too). Also, being able to watch 8 games simultaneously on monitors throughout the studio without a seeing a single commercial. Yep, all monitors were live feeds from the trucks so in addition to seeing the cameras set up for the next shot (wiping blizzard goo from the cameras in Buffalo, por ejemplo), I also got to hear actual crowd noise (sans scary football music) as well as Simms and Jim Nantz BS-ing off camera. I don't think there's a better way to watch football. Period.

Another random highlight? 3rd quarter: After going apeshit on the catered food (yum!!!), I was glazed over in the production room watching 10 different games (8 CBS plus 2 Fox) when an intern asked, "I'm doing the Dunkin Donuts run - do you want anything?" I was like, "are you serious? I get to sit here, watch every football game and have Dunkin' Donuts coffee delivered, too??" Free. Exactly as I asked (medium French Vanilla, light with skim milk, no sugar). Directly to my eager little hands. Holy shit. I could've died.

I can't die yet, though; there's still more work to be done. Oh, did I fail to mention? I'm freelancing as project manager for CBS' new sports mag...aw HELL yeah!!! (yes, I have a shrine of Jeremy Murphy in my closet.) On the horizon? A possible interface with Tom Brady. Yes, Tom Fucking Brady. During said encounter, I intend to make sure the photographer gets me on Tom's lap looking like a little girl on Santa's.

Oh yeah, and that brings me to the last highlight: my Patriots beat the Jets 20-10 and remain undefeated at 14-0. But a loss today wouldn't have bothered me at all. The only buzzkill would've been if CBS Sports staff realized what a crazy mo' fo' I am and escorted me off the set. (They may find out yet if I can score AFC Championship tix!!!!)

Best. Sunday. Ever.

Freakin' Facebook

Okay, so a few weeks back, I was invited by some friends to join Facebook. In order to view their profiles, I had to join. Within seconds of clicking on their names, I was a member and sucked into the bizarre world of Facebook. And it is truly bizarre.

I've since created a more elaborate profile but thus far, it's nothing like MySpace (tricked out with cheesy graphics and music). Instead, it's a blank white slate driven by a mountain of add-on applications such as aquariums, trivia, favorite books/artists, the details of your latest bowel movement, a vibrating hamster and God knows what else:


I feel like I'm constantly being invited to "poke" somebody. I'm sure this is completely normal on Facebook but isn't it considered rude everywhere else? I dunno. Maybe it's just 'cause I'm a newbie but I feel lost. I have managed to connect with one long lost friend from high school on Facebook but other than that, not sure what else to make of it?

Canadians are scary!

Just got this from my good friend Bethany in Portland, OR, and had to blog about it for future reference: Canada is one scary place. Check out this public service announcement from the CBC:


People over at Deadspin.com posted some damn funny comments about it, including an IM chat:

AJ Daulerio: Holy shiiit.
Will Leitch: I know!
Will Leitch: It's like the worst PSA of all time.
Will Leitch: I've watched it, like, six times.
AJ Daulerio: It really is. I mean, it was bad enough in the beginning and then it justakes this hard left turn.
AJ Daulerio: They should've had the oven fall on top of her too.
Will Leitch: And then a dog comes and starts gnawing on her face.
AJ Daulerio: And then the busboys start raping her.
Will Leitch: And then someone blows up the restaurant.

Other comments include:

What, not one knife or meat clever falls on her ? Lame.

Fuck. Me. That was awesome. I cannot wait to see the one about sexually-transmitted diseases.

...so that's why my order took so long.

Of course, there's the PSA I saw during the Grey Cup that featured a 6-y/o amputee who lost his leg in a chainsaw accident. And I'm sitting there thinking, "How the hell does a 6-y/o lose their leg in a chainsaw accident?"

Oh. My. God.

They used to show a similar PSA on Sesame Street about the dangers of carrying too many coconut custard pies.

With Swedish accent "Bork Bork Bork!"

wait...so does she die or does her fiance just not want to marry someone with horrible facial scars? so shallow...so shallow...

What's up with the flame up on the stove after she bashes her melon? What was in that pot? Was she simmering pure gasoline? Because that'd be irresponsible.

they shoulda had the busboys come over and start urinating on her to put the fire out, but then she gets freaked out, gets up and then falls down a flight of stairs. that would have really driven the point home. accidents...they dont just "happen."


Inspired, I visited a scary Canadian work safety PSA site (www.prevent-it.ca). Their intro cartoon is a recent amputee whose bloody bandage oozes as a warning to other young Canadian workers:


After you enter the site, the cartoon's amputated hand falls through clouds to Prevent-itville ("Beavis and Butthead" and "Heavy Metal" meet PSA organization). In each scenario, the cartoon character (bloody bandage, pool of blood and all) is shown dealing with limbless life: i.e. he gets his ass handed to him playing video games ("dude, you suck"), etc.

Hopefully, Michael Moore's next project will compare job injury stats between Canada and the US to see if this stuff actually works. My gut says kids think these ads are cool and want to be amputees and burnt up chefs, too.

Yep, Canadians take a pretty tough stance on workplace safety...let's hope they never feel the same way about acid rain.

Will power(less)

Here's the thing about freelance work: You can never leave work to go home (you're already there); work becomes a state of mind that either engulfs or eludes you completely. I'm either working nonstop or unable to start.

There's a moment before I commit to either extreme where my mind says, "okay, this is it...the choice is yours to make and the consequences are blah blah blah blah blah" but it's too late...I've been sucked into an episode of "I Love New York," followed by "The Daily Show," "The Hills," "Gossip Girl," "The Real World," "Sarah Silverman," "My Super Sweet 16," and "Best Week Ever."

When I've exhausted my DVR'd collection of brain-melting drivel, I raid my roommate's despite a growing migraine from the TV's glow and a nagging little "but you've got work to do..." I watch shows I've never cared to see before: "My Name is Earl," "Scrubs," "The Office" and "30 Rock" (I think her old TV only got NBC).

Nine hours later, I'm drowning in a puddle of drool and empty 100-calorie bags of Sun Chips (portion control is also a work-in-progress for me). Avoiding eye contact with the pile of work on my desk, I shuffle to bed determined to wake up "early" (i.e. before 2 pm) and start fresh the next day.

Until I get a job that involves leaving the house, I've got to figure out how to tap my will power and evolve into a worker bee whose hive happens to be her bedroom...


(dig the poster I made at www.despair.com in their DIY section [yes, I used a double negative on purpose -- when you know da rules, you can break 'em]...maybe it should be my Christmas card?)

I will beat a bitch's ass (just to sit on the couch!)

At last, the couch! Okay, so today is the first day since being laid off that I've ignored all freelance work and sat my ass on the couch for hours of DVR'd garbage.

First up? Kimora Lee Simmons' reality show, "Life in the Fab Lane." Ever since I read a Vanity Fair interview with the wife of Def Jam founder Russell Simmons, I've been a HUGE fan of Kimora if only for the fact that she is one crazy bitch.

My favorite part of the Vanity Fair article was how the interviewer, clearly not prepared for the depths of ghetto fabulosity that she was assigned to plumb, comes to understand Kimora's frustrations -- most of which stem from her husband's infidelity.

Some of my fave excerpts from the April 2005 article (http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/features/2005/04/kimoralee200504):
Unbearable Fabulosity
...Last fall, she could be seen on a 50-foot-tall billboard in Times Square, lying naked except for a pair of Baby Phat "diva sneakers" and a diamond belly chain. I asked her what the picture meant to her. "Fabulosity," she said. "It's a state of being."

A state which does not preclude ass-whuppings. "I will beat a bitch's ass!" Kimora says of any woman who dares flirt with her husband, the famous Russell, a hip-hop icon for 25 years. Russell and Kimora are hip-hop's Ozzie and Harriet, or perhaps Ozzy and Sharon, a pop-cultural institution. And yet that doesn't keep "the bitches," as Kimora calls them, from trying to make moves.

...

"The bitches" have been a constant theme in Russell and Kimora's 12-year relationship. They're how Russell and Kimora got engaged, which Kimora tells me about on St. Barth's, on the beach, where she's lying naked except for a pair of Armani sunglasses and a Gucci bikini bottom. "Let me take off my glasses," she says, removing her large frames. "I want you to see my eyes. I will beat a bitch's ass!"

...

"He's still a little A.D.D.," Kimora says. "He has not technically been declared it, but I know that he is, because he wakes up at the crack of dawn, he wants to go and rip and run. He's A.D.H.D. Attention-deficit … husband disorder.

"Oh, I like it better this way, all right," she says. "Because if he wasn't calm it would be a problem, because I'd have to beat bitches' asses! And I don't want to have to beat nobody's ass.

...

"But I'm a tough girl and could handle it most of the time, and I will beat a bitch's ass! And I think he knows that, and he really doesn't want that to happen. So that's why right now I really trust his effort to keep out of trouble."

"Like you would literally beat someone's ass?" I ask.

"Literally. Literally," says Kimora, baring her perfect teeth. "I will drag a bitch—drag her through this dirt, literally.

"I will beat a bitch's ass!" she says. "I don't play that disrespectful ho shit. I have very little respect for those kinds of women. And if I catch you with my man, disrespecting, I will beat your ass."

Damn straight, Kimora. And I will beat any bitch's ass that dares sit on my couch and keeps me from watching you do it!

The most employed unemployed person

Okay, so I got laid off @ the end of Sept. and was sooooo looking forward to sitting on the couch, eating crap food and watching hours of mindless garbage on TV (i.e. soaps) but nooooooooooooo...I'm the most employed unemployed person EVER.

I've got freelance gigs lined up back-to-back-and-overlapping to the point that I almost miss going into a 9-5 (okay, in my case a 10:30-ish to 6) job!!! WTF??? My new roommie must think all I do is wear PJ's, work and bitch about it.

And the worst part? NBC cancelled my soap! "Passions" went off the air this summer and is only available on some weird ass Direct TV channel (I managed to catch an episode on a JetBlue flight back to NYC last week -- happy to see that I haven't missed much since Theresita has yet to tell Ethan about little Ethan...geez, talk about prolonging a plot).

Even if I had the time to watch daytime TV, my choices are dismal: Judge Judy (no thanks -- she and my fossil wart ex-boss are CLONES), Ellen (crying about an adopted dog?) and Martha Stewart (not unless it's outtakes of her flipping out on assistants).


Am I so abnormal that I can't even do unemployment like normal people???

(of course, the flip side is: what if I didn't have freelance gigs? Then I'd be stressed about $$ and finding a job...either way, I'm kvetching)

Dionne Warwick earworm

Friday, September 07, 2007

So, today was a really hard day @ work because my boss is a human wart. Without getting into specifics, I'm sure I've never worked for someone so unpleasant and insensitive before. Thankfully, my days here are truly numbered (15 more to go!).

Anyway, to help me through the day, I'm lucky to have good co-workers whom I consider good friends, too. Just when things were looking especially bleak, one of 'em sent me a link to one crazy ass video:

(it even has a remix: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZytJhACn5z0)
Thanks, Rachel! The old chick in the tin foil to the left is my favorite. Ya gotta love public access -- the interesting part about it is that this show could've been filmed any time between today and 1970, based on how most public access shows go.


Then, when the day took an even darker turn, Nakeba sent me this link:


Between pickle licks, it occurred to me: this is what friends are for.

And then the Dionne Warwick earworm got me ("I'll be on your side for-e-ver moooo-ooore. That's what friends are foooo-ooooor!"). So to my awesome co-workers: THANKS! I needed that! What would we do without each other and freaky ass people on the Web to keep us from quitting our jobs?

BTW, this pic reminds me of the kind of stuff I used to put in the column I wrote for my college newspaper ("Preditorial"). I used to label the graphics "Figure 1.1" etc. and pretty much anything was game. I once scanned in a vibrator my friends gave me as a b-day gift and wrote a column about why I refused to use it. In retrospect, that was probably not good journalism.

Lame duck protocol

So, I just got laid off yesterday from my job -- Bush cut $300 million from the AmeriCorps budget that funded the project I work on...seems he needed money to keep killing Iraqis or something.

Whatev. I hated it here with my miserable fossil of a boss so who gives a shit. I don't think finding a new job will be a problem and I've got lots of freelance work lined up to tie me over 'til then. I guess the only problem I'm facing is that my last day is Sept. 30 -- what do I do between now and then?

Is it wrong to call in sick every day? Would I be out of line to have dwarf strippers at my going-away office party? Can I sustain this thin veil of office decorum for 30 freaking days?

There's plenty of time to look at garbage online (latest favorite site is http://icanhascheezburger.com/) and apply for jobs but I can do that from home. Why the hell do I have to be here? Why not just give me Sept. salary as severance and tell me to fuck off? I mean, isn't it bad enough to get laid off? On top of that, I have to schlep to the office every day and pretend to work and care...wait, that's nothing new. I can SO do this.

Green is the new black

At the end of July, my Mom took me on a 4-day trip on a 3-masted schooner off the coast of Maine (a thoughtful b-day present). It has since been dubbed the "shush cruise" thanks to a vigilant posse of shushers who were intent on reading the latest Harry Potter in complete silence. It was the first time I've played Uno since elementary school -- it also marked the first time bowling took place on the deck of the historic Victory Chimes thanks to a game I improvised using water bottles for pins and the ball (at its height, the game involved 18 of the 30 passengers and 4 of the 8 crew...I could've been Julie on "The Love Boat!").

During the trip's last 2 days, a thick fog rolled in and obscured the horizon for good. In 5-foot swells, we labored back to Rockland through pea soup. Despite ingesting lots of Bronine and ginger snaps, I had motion sickness for over a week.

So, it was with some hesitation that I joined the rest of the CBS Watch! magazine staff yesterday for a day trip on a double-masted schooner (the Shearwater). We left North Cove in Battery Park, went around the tip of Manhattan and drifted up the East River 'til just after Roosevelt Island. Then we doubled back (at which time the drinks doubled with a game of quarters...Jeremy passed out soon thereafter). Being the only sober person aboard, I had plenty of time to search for the horizon (not easy to do in NYC). By the time we reached the Brooklyn Bridge, motion sickness was starting to set in...again.

Thankfully, we sailed out into NY Harbor where the horizon line made its debut. After meditating on the Statue of Liberty for a while, I was happy to get back to land and Gristede's for some ginger snaps. Allegedly, they have healing power beyond a Dramamine-Bronine cocktail. I inhaled an entire bag last night. Ugh, I'm so sick of being sea sick. Maybe I'll head to a Chinese market and get some ginger root to gnaw on...

Saturn breaks the hell out

Okay, so let me preface this post with the fact that I'm an educated, well-read woman -- a skeptic who usually needs to be convinced by 3 different people of the most basic truths.

That said, I am also totally entertained by the most base things. "The Girls Next Door" reality show on E! about Hugh Hefner's girlfriends is one good example...astrology is another. Since I was a teenager, I've been a bit of an astrological enthusiast and at one point became pretty good at correctly guessing people's signs (ya gotta love the odds: 11 to 1). Now, I'm a closeted 'scoper and only have brief flirtations with the subject; today was one such day.

I've been draggin' ass for the last week or so, dreading each day at work before the alarm even goes off in the morning. I'm heavy with angst and the desire to finally find "the job" that makes me happy, pays well and isn't 3 hours from my apartment. The problem has been (and continues to be): what makes me happy? What am I supposed to be doing? What did I move to NYC for, anyway?

I don't know. Astrology doesn't know, either, but it at least tries to pretend like it does. So, today I went on Susan Miller's www.astrologyzone.com, the only site I've ever given a second look to ('cause it's detailed, free, thorough, free, well-written, and, um, free). Susan had some interesting points about why this August is ass draggin' time for us Leos:
"This month you come to the end of a 1,000-mile journey. Ever since Saturn entered Leo in July 2005, you have had a long and gradual process of reinventing yourself..."

That's it! Saturn, that bastard of a task-master, disciplinary and gaseous planet that comes around every 30 years or so to kick our asses if we're not doing what he gave us the gift to do (according to astrology, of course, ehem: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saturn_return). But haven't I paid my dues? I'm 34 -- is Saturn a squatter, too?!

See, my Saturn-given task is to communicate and I started out well with that (was editor of high school & university papers, majored in English, made lots of phone calls and stuff, etc) but then got off course in my mid-late 20's. Saturn's fat ass started comin' when I was 28 and that's when I felt the burning desire to finish my thesis and get my M.A. in English already. I even dedicated my thesis "To Saturn's Return." Bastard!

Now, that sick fuck is finally leaving and I won't see him again for 28 years! Plenty of time to slack off and fail to communicate! Woo-hoo! More dead-end writing/editing jobs, please! No thanks, NY Times Best Seller list!

BTW, a really great book on this subject (especially for women in their mid-20's and mid-50's) that I thoroughly enjoyed was "Surviving Saturn's Return" ...of course, I only read the parts about Leo (duh!). http://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Saturns-Return-Overcoming-Tumultuous/dp/0071421963

Of further interest (to me only, I suspect), Susan writes:
"You may have a major career decision to make on or near August 13, due to a pairing of Venus and Saturn. This mood of seriousness will intensify further during the following week, and especially on August 21, when the Sun and Saturn will conjoin. If your birthday falls on this day, you will be doubly sensitive to the vibes operating on this day. You will be deeply meditative, maybe even somber, but also able to take on more responsibility. No doubt about it, you will have plenty on your mind. Don't let doubts or fleeting feelings of depression enter your mind - this is all very temporary! ... Remember, when Saturn leaves Leo next month, you will have officially ended a once-in-29-year tour of duty that this taskmaster planet has put you though. You are done! No matter what, life will improve from now on!"

[cue theme from "The Jeffersons"...movin' on up...]

Cringe Night

So, I'm "working" from home today and came across an article on my desk that my Mom sent me a few months back: "On Cringe Night, the last laugh is on you." Seems there's a night at Freddy's Bar & Backroom in Brooklyn called "Cringe Night" where people read excerpts from their teenage diaries onstage. Why the Providence Journal is reporting on bars in Prospect Heights is beyond me but...

Oddly, this weekend had me swimming in nostalgia -- thanks to this new myspace page, I reconnected with a long lost "BFF" from high school...which of course sent me diving into the closet to retrieve old diaries from 8th grade. If I were to attend "Cringe Night," here's just one of MANY passages that had me cringing (written in painfully-executed bubble letters with circles for periods and over each "i"):

---from July 21, 1987 -- aka the year I was grounded for THE ENTIRE SUMMER---
...she thinks she's so important & good now that she's scammed with everyone - but u don't have 2 be pretty or nice 2 get scoop. just a ho - that's all u need 2 be. what a bitch! i wonder if she's ever gonna tell me? she knows i'll bitch at her about it. anyway. i babysat 2day from 6:30 2 9:30. i got $5.00. killer easy 5 bucks. the kids were good - patrick is so adorable & vanessa is sweet. Natalia wuz bein a real bitch 2 Pat & i wuz gettin pissed off. shit - did i ever bitch at her like that! smart ass runny nose bossy little bitch! get in my way - huh! fuck her! if i put my hand against my ear - i can hear the tickin of my watch. my dad wants to get me a $300 stereo system. but 4 me 2 keep the old speakers. i got mad at him and now feel real bad. i feel like i'm bitchin at him cuz he wants 2 get me somethin nice 4 my b-day. boy - am i a bitch! maybe keith wuz right. i hafta apologize 2 my dad & tell him whatever he wants 2 get me - i'll luv it.

Sooooo, I don't know what's more frightening: the fact that people let me babysit their children or that someone actually paid a person $5 to watch 3 kids for 2 hours. Happy to see ADD isn't the recent development I thought it was...

WTF?

So, today is freakin' COLD in NYC...it's 62 degrees out. WTF? I nearly melted 2 days ago while waiting on a subway platform for the F train (the ONLY train running out of Bklyn thanks to a storm that dumped a whopping THREE inches of rain in NYC...note the sarcasm, please). Other than that, I slept the whole day thanks to a deal my job has with ConEd -- we have to take 3 Fridays off in Aug. to save energy...no problem. I consider sleeping all day just doing my part to conserve energy, man. Now, I'm off to the gym before the guilt starts to set in...guess I should bring a jacket. Again, WTF????